Calling it a “check” instead of a “bill” sucks

INT. QDOBA MEXICAN EATS – DAY

ALICE, a quirky, vivacious anteater, flicks her prehensile tongue at BOB, a brooding, busy busboy bee.

ALICE

Could I get the check?

BOB

What check? You’re paying us!

They fight.

BOB

I see what you mean, you’re looking for the bill. Here it is.

BOB performs a perfect WAGGLE DANCE to communicate that ALICE owes $300.

ALICE

Awesome, can I give you a check?

BOB

Why are you charging me? I thought you were the one paying here!

They fight again. BOB attempts to sting ALICE, but being a drone he has no stinger. ALICE lashes her tongue out at BOB, causing him to get stuck on it.

BOB

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ALICE sucks BOB into her snout. He DIES.

This perplexes me. I genuinely do not get it. I have a checkbook. Sometimes I write checks, in order to pay for things. When I give someone a check, they are getting money from me. If I get a check from someone else (ha!), I am getting money from them. Such is the way of things.

SO WHEN WE CALL RESTAURANT BILLS “CHECKS” IT IS AN ACTION OF GREAT ASININITY THAT THROWS THIS DELICATE ARRANGEMENT INTO DISARRAY. A CHECK SIGNALS THAT YOU ARE GETTING MONEY, NOT THAT YOU MUST GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE, PERHAPS BY WRITING A CHECK. THERE IS NO GOOD REASON TO DO THIS AND I AM FILLED WITH DEEP SHAME THAT BRITISH ENGLISH DOES NOT FALL FOR THIS NONSENSE BECAUSE IN THE VAST MAJORITY OF OTHER RESPECTS AMERICAN ENGLISH IS SUPERIOR. NOTE THAT I AM NOT OPPOSED TO HOMONYMS IN GENERAL ON THE CONTRARY THEY ARE PLENTY OF FUN AND ADD MUCH FLAVOR TO THE LANGUAGE BUT HOMONYMS SHOULD NOT BE IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO EACH OTHER AS THEY ARE IN THIS CASE. IT IS SUCH A SUPERFLUOUS ERROR TOO BECAUSE THE WORD “BILL” HAS BEEN PUTTING IN GOOD WORK FOR A LONG TIME AND DOES NOT DESERVE SUCH MISTREATMENT.

Calling it a “check” instead of a “bill” sucks. It is killing America.

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