The Oculus sucks

INT. A SWANKY NEW YORK RESTAURANT — 12:26 P.M. ON A THURSDAY IN NOVEMBER, 2003

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA, a hacktacular HACK, dines on oysters at a table with PAT H., a composite character based on various MAKERS OF BAD DECISIONS, and CASSANDRA, the Trojan princess and SEER.

PAT H.

Tell me, my good friend Santiago! What are your plans to rebuild the station at the World Trade Center?

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

A glimmering harmony of steel and glass! A soaring bird released from the hands of a child!

PAT H.

Capital!

He takes a sip from his DIRTY MARTINI as SANTIAGO CALATRAVA slurps up ANOTHER OYSTER.

CASSANDRA

Nay, it will need extensive redesign for safety purposes. The final product will more closely resemble a trilobite, or a ribcage, or a Venus flytrap. And furthermore–

PAT H.

Santiago, what do you envision for the interior of your masterpiece?

Cassandra begins a silent conversation with her MUG OF JOHNNIE WALKER RED.

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

A grand unification of the New York City Subway with the Port Authority Trans-Hudson rail system, a new dawn for commuters.

Cassandra lowers her mug.

PAT H.

Splendid!

CASSANDRA

That will not come to pass. Functionally it will be equivalent to a long corridor.

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

A destination for the most sophisticated shoppers in the world’s most sophisticated city!

PAT H.

I can see it now!

CASSANDRA

Its centerpiece will be an Apple store, which will be successful in the future.

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

A transportation hub to rival Grand Central Station!

PAT H.

Magnificent!

CASSANDRA

It will serve 40 thousand commuters per day. Grand Central will serve 750 thousand.

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

White wings! White concourses! White marble!

He gesticulates wildly, knocking over Pat H.’s martini in excitement.

PAT H. (ignoring spill)

Like the driven snow!

CASSANDRA

Or like an ossuary. The marble will be hideously expensive and require frequent cleaning and replacement, what with the thousands of commuters traipsing over it every day. It will also become incredibly slippery when it rains.

She drains her mug.

CASSANDRA (to WAITER)

Whiskey!

PAT H.

That’s nice, Cassandra. Santiago, when can your heartbreaking work of staggering genius be completed?

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

In five years!

CASSANDRA

It will take 12.

A handsome WAITER comes to the table with a BOTTLE OF JOHNNIE WALKER RED. Cassandra gives him her EMPTY MUG and takes the bottle.

CASSANDRA (cont.)

Much obliged.

She resumes conversation with her whisky.

PAT H.

I can spare 2.2 billion dollars for your project. Will that be enough?

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

That should just about cover it.

CASSANDRA

It will cost four billion dollars. It will cost more than the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere. And may I add that two billion dollars is already an obnoxious–

PAT H.

Oh Cassandra, you’re too pretty to worry so much. Have some wine.

Cassandra smashes the BOTTLE OF JOHNNIE WALKER RED on the ground. Other patrons of the swanky restaurant start to STARE.

CASSANDRA (screaming)

Don’t you get it, you idiots? This project will be a massive failure! It will be an embarrassing eyesore! Everything will go wrong!

She stomps off to PLACES UNKNOWN.

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

Nothing will go wrong, I promise you, Pat.

PAT H.

I am glad to hear it, Santiago. One last question. What will you name your creation?

SANTIAGO CALATRAVA

I will call it… the Oculus!

CUT

If you have not been in lower Manhattan lately, you have successfully avoided seeing the utter monstrosity of an edifice that is the World Trade Center PATH station. The bleached bones. The pallid pill-bug. The “steroidal stegosaurus.” The Oculus.

Continue reading “The Oculus sucks”

Advertisements