Days 83 and 84 of 1,461 (or 2,922)

Almost 6% (or 3%) done with the Trump regime!

  • He’s gotten the taste for bombing. Bin Laden won. May God help us all.
  • It’s not just Syria, and it’s not just Afghanistan. It’s everywhere.
  • Turns out the entire Western Hemisphere knew about Trump’s collusion with the Russians, which, again, he didn’t bother to hide at all. (h/t DougJ)
  • Trump is willing to kill Americans to force the Democrats to help him… kill Americans. This man should be living in a septic tank.
  • Judge Sheila Abdus-Salaam was found dead in the Hudson River. I don’t like anything about this.
  • The stupid and self-destructive federal hiring freeze is over. A victory.
  • I’ve stated that The New York Times deserves to go bankrupt, and I was not kidding whatsoever. Now they’ve hired a climate denialist.
  • I’m not sure if Sean Spicer intends to be an idiot, but neo-Nazis love what he’s saying regardless of his thought process. He must go.
  • Vox makes a simple, but important point: Despite Trump’s tweeting and the rise of Internet Nazi frogs, it was old people who put him in the White House, and old people don’t use social media. We must find another thing that explains everything horrible.

Evil lurks in the datalinks as it did in the streets of yesteryear. But it was never the streets that were evil.

— Sister Miriam Godwinson, The Blessed Struggle

  • United is having a bad week. Their ass-covering email was a masterpiece of bureaucratese.
  • Speaking of bad English, “let’s go” is secretly an awful, awful phrase. Can you think of any other “‘s” contraction where the “‘s” stands for “us”?
  • Continuing to speak of bad English, and looping back to Sean Spicer, his butchery of our noble language has been called out by Dana Milbank.
  • Some thoughts from Slate on art, Charging Bull and Fearless Girl.
  • Julia is the newest Sesame Street character, and she has autism. They seem to have gotten off to a good start. Also, Autism Speaks is creepy.
  • Yesterday was Beverly Cleary’s 101st birthday! Read this touching tribute from last year.
  • Yesterday was also National Grilled Cheese Day! April 12 is turning out to be a solid day.
  • Finally, the physics of shoelaces! Enjoy Easter Weekend, everyone!
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Favorite Trump Nicknames?

il-duce-and-il-douche
Source: Some forum user

I’ve seen some that are real gold. Notable examples:

  • Agent Orange
  • Benedict Donald (watch this one!)
  • Cheeto Benito
  • Cheeto Caligula
  • Cockwork Orange
  • Dolt 45 (wunderbar)
  • Drumpf (not my favorite, but must be included)
  • Idiot Amin
  • Il Douche
  • Mango Mugabe
  • Mango Mussolini
  • Shitgibbon
  • Twitler
Anything to add?

Putting the dollar sign in front of the number sucks

dollar-sign-before-and-after

INT. LOU’S PET SHOP – 6 P.M. ON A WEDNESDAY IN JULY

ALICE, an angelic ANGELFISH, approaches the SALES COUNTER, staffed by BOB, a blathering BLADDERWORT.

ALICE

How much does this tin of bloodworms cost? I need to feed them to myself.

BOB

Dollar fifty.

ALICE

That’s a great deal!

Alice untucks a DISCOVER CARD from her right gill and passes it to Bob, who rings her up and gives her a RECEIPT. ALICE checks the receipt as she turns to leave.

ALICE

What the fuck, you charged me fifty dollars!

BOB

Dollar fifty. See for yourself.

Bob gestures at a HITHERTO UNNOTICED PRICE TAG on the tin. “$50” is EMBLAZONED on the tag.

ALICE

That says fifty dollars!

BOB

No, it clearly says dollar, then fifty. Dollar fifty. Can’t you read, stripey?

ALICE

I take great offense to that slur and your execrable professional conduct!

They fight. Alice SWIMS toward Bob, stimulating the TRIGGER HAIRS on one of his BLADDER TRAPS. Bob attempts to suck Alice into the bladder, but Alice is TOO BIG to be sucked. As Bob attempts to reset the bladder through ACTIVE TRANSPORT, Alice begins to NIBBLE at Bob’s bladders.

BOB

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alice finishes eating Bob’s bladders. He DIES, eventually, after STARVING to death.

Do you say “Dollar two” or “Dollars two” when discussing the price of two bags of delicious Crispy M&M’s? Or do you behave like a decent person and say “Two dollars”? I suspect and hope that it’s the latter. When we speak of money, or of any quantity, we say the number and then the unit. Such is the natural order.

SO WHEN WE WRITE “$500” INSTEAD OF “500$” WE CONTRADICT THE SPOKEN LANGUAGE FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. IT IS ABOMINABLE TO NEEDLESSLY TRANSPOSE THE DOLLAR SYMBOL COULD YOU IMAGINE THE CHAOS AND HYSTERIA THAT WOULD ACCOMPANY “I WEIGH KG 400” OR “IT IS °F 70 TODAY IN FEBRUARY” THE WORLD WOULD BE CONSUMED IN FLAMES YET WE LET SUCH SINFUL BEHAVIOR GO ON EVERY DAY WITH THE DOLLAR SYMBOL. IT IS NOT AS IF WE DON’T HAVE EXAMPLES OF SENSIBLE PRACTICE TO LOOK AT I AM LOATH TO ADMIT TO BUT THE EURO SYMBOL IS RIGHTLY PLACED AFTER THE NUMBER AND EUROPE IS NOT ENGULFED IN HYSTERIA DUE TO THAT PERHAPS FOR OTHER REASONS BUT THE EURO SYMBOL IS INNOCENT. I BLAME OUR CURRENT MISFORTUNE ON THE DUMB BRITS WHO THINK THEY INVENTED TEA AND DON’T RINSE THEIR DISHES AND PUT THE POUND STERLING SYMBOL BEFORE THE NUMBER IT IS MOST INDUBITABLY THEIR FAULT.

Putting the dollar sign in front of the number sucks. It is killing America.

Calling it a “check” instead of a “bill” sucks

INT. QDOBA MEXICAN EATS – DAY

ALICE, a quirky, vivacious anteater, flicks her prehensile tongue at BOB, a brooding, busy busboy bee.

ALICE

Could I get the check?

BOB

What check? You’re paying us!

They fight.

BOB

I see what you mean, you’re looking for the bill. Here it is.

BOB performs a perfect WAGGLE DANCE to communicate that ALICE owes $300.

ALICE

Awesome, can I give you a check?

BOB

Why are you charging me? I thought you were the one paying here!

They fight again. BOB attempts to sting ALICE, but being a drone he has no stinger. ALICE lashes her tongue out at BOB, causing him to get stuck on it.

BOB

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ALICE sucks BOB into her snout. He DIES.

This perplexes me. I genuinely do not get it. I have a checkbook. Sometimes I write checks, in order to pay for things. When I give someone a check, they are getting money from me. If I get a check from someone else (ha!), I am getting money from them. Such is the way of things.

SO WHEN WE CALL RESTAURANT BILLS “CHECKS” IT IS AN ACTION OF GREAT ASININITY THAT THROWS THIS DELICATE ARRANGEMENT INTO DISARRAY. A CHECK SIGNALS THAT YOU ARE GETTING MONEY, NOT THAT YOU MUST GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE, PERHAPS BY WRITING A CHECK. THERE IS NO GOOD REASON TO DO THIS AND I AM FILLED WITH DEEP SHAME THAT BRITISH ENGLISH DOES NOT FALL FOR THIS NONSENSE BECAUSE IN THE VAST MAJORITY OF OTHER RESPECTS AMERICAN ENGLISH IS SUPERIOR. NOTE THAT I AM NOT OPPOSED TO HOMONYMS IN GENERAL ON THE CONTRARY THEY ARE PLENTY OF FUN AND ADD MUCH FLAVOR TO THE LANGUAGE BUT HOMONYMS SHOULD NOT BE IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO EACH OTHER AS THEY ARE IN THIS CASE. IT IS SUCH A SUPERFLUOUS ERROR TOO BECAUSE THE WORD “BILL” HAS BEEN PUTTING IN GOOD WORK FOR A LONG TIME AND DOES NOT DESERVE SUCH MISTREATMENT.

Calling it a “check” instead of a “bill” sucks. It is killing America.

Adjectives that end in “ly” rock

I love them! It’s like they’re infiltrating the wicked world of adverbs before going, “Surprise! I was a noun modifier all along!” Then stabbing “apparently” in the throat and fleeing to Switzerland. Plus, you can always turn them into adverbs if you really want to:

“I wish I could be that gnarly,” lamented Tony Hawk as Bob Burnquist ollied gnarlily.

“You’ll never get away with this, Lex,” croaked Superman as he succumbed to the Kryptonite, cursing himself for being defeated so dastardlily.

“There’s too much sun. I wish I were still a bulb,” whinged the cowardly lily as it cowered cowardlily.

My incomplete list of these wonderful words:

  • boyly (Nope, doesn’t exist. Get on it, Merriam-Webster.)
  • bubbly
  • bully (for Brits)
  • comely
  • cowardly
  • cuddly
  • curly
  • dastardly
  • early
  • elderly
  • friendly
  • girly
  • gnarly
  • heavenly
  • holy
  • jolly
  • likely
  • lively
  • lonely
  • lovely
  • manly
  • saintly
  • sickly (sort of)
  • silly
  • snuggly
  • sprightly
  • surly
  • ugly
  • womanly

Have you got any to add?

“Meteoric rise” sucks

Meteors are also known as “shooting stars” or “falling stars.” They fall, i.e. descend, i.e. go down, i.e. plummet. Rising is the process of ascending, i.e. going up, i.e. skyrocketing (as opposed to groundrocketing).

leonid-meteor-storm-1833
Meteors falling over a fall

SO WHEN YOU SAY “METEORIC RISE” YOU ARE SAYING SOMETHING BLATANTLY, OBNOXIOUSLY CONTRADICTORY. “AU CONTRAIRE, JAMIE!” YOU MAY SAY, “‘METEORIC’ CAN ALSO MEAN ‘RAPID’ IT DOES NOT LITERALLY REFER TO METEORS,” BUT TO THAT I RESPOND “BULLPOOPY I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU TO FIND ‘METEORIC’ USED TO DESCRIBE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A ‘RISE’ GO ON I WILL WAIT.” THE WORDS ARE DE FACTO CONJOINED TWINS AT THIS POINT DESPITE THE FACT THAT A RISING METEOR WOULD BE ABJECT LUNACY AND AGAINST THE LAWS OF PHYSICS UNLESS IT WAS FILLED WITH HELIUM OR SOMETHING.

“Meteoric rise” sucks. It is killing America.