PSA: 10 Signs You May Be a Political Hack

#1 – Presidential Politics Are the Only Politics

Midterms? What midterms? The only thing that matters is one person that we’ll choose three years from now, and how we can prove that they’re actually evil. A subset of…

#2 – The Great Man Theory

Future historians will attribute the Republican victories of 2010 and 2014 to the inspirational leadership of Michael Steele and Reince Priebus. Now let me explain why Ellison v. Perez is the defining battle of our times. I watch too much Game of Thrones.

#3 – The Message Is the Medium

Why do research or talk to other human beings when you can zero in on a single ad or slogan and declare it completely representative of an entire campaign and political party? This lets you get away with “I AM THE COSMOS” projection. Related…

#4 – I Should Be in Charge

All that the ________ need to do for a permanent majority is embrace ________, which coincidentally is exactly what I believe. If I ran for president, I would get 100% of the vote.

#5 – Both Sides Do It

My revolutionary approach to politics has left me functionally aligned with David Brooks and Ron Fournier. I am OK with this.

#6 – Popularity Can’t Be Measured by Votes

A margin of three million votes is irrelevant. Let us ignore the clearest quantitative data we have on the preferences of the American people so I can keep extrapolating my beliefs onto the entire populace. Also I like hanging out in diners.

#7 – No Space for Race

People used it to justify slavery. It caused Americans to amass large armies and fight a four-year Civil War. It formed the basis for a police state that still endures. But that’s over and we must not talk about it, because reasons.

#8 – Don’t Hate the Game, Ignore the Game

Vote suppression? Gerrymandering? Shelby County v. Holder? What are those? You’re just trying to avoid taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for everything bad that’s ever happened. Those factors will not stick around to screw us over in future elections because reasons.

#9 – The End of History

What was the Republican message in 2010? What was the Democratic message in 2006? Why did Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton win southern states while other Democrats failed? Why did Democrats start losing southern states after the Civil Rights Movement? The answers do not matter, because I say they don’t.

#10 – “I’ve Always Thought the Yankees Had Nothing to Do with It”

America, rather than being composed of different people with clashing philosophies and priorities, is really a uniform blob that yearns for socialism, but will settle for its complete opposite. The Democratic Party is the main obstacle to reform in the U.S.

If you experience any of these symptoms, it is not too late for you! I myself have been a hack before and I’ll probably do it again. My recommendation is a hot toddy and a good history book, perhaps Fear Itself by Ira Katznelson.

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